Return to Table of Contents of Having Your Baby When Others Say No

Getting Through the Pregnancy

CONFIRMING, CONFIDING, CARING, CONCEALING--

THE FOUR C'S OF PREGNANCY CRISIS

"First choices are often the most important ones."

--M. P. N.

CONFIRM YOUR PREGNANCY

Some women assume that they are pregnant just because they have missed a menstrual period. Are you sure you're pregnant? You may not be! Now you have to make sure. There are several ways that you can find out if you are pregnant.

Use a Home Pregnancy Test

Most pharmacies sell home pregnancy testing kits. Call a pharmacy to make sure. If you live in a small town and are afraid of being recognized, disguise your voice or have a friend call, or choose an out-of-town pharmacy. Follow the kit's instructions carefully.

Modern pregnancy tests claim to be accurate if performed at least one day after a missed period. But, if a test indicates that you're not pregnant and you don't get your period, take another pregnancy test in two or three weeks just to make sure. If this test is also negative, consult your doctor. You may have a medical problem in need of treatment.

Consult a Doctor

Obstetricians, gynecologists, and general practitioners usually can perform pregnancy tests. Call a local or out-of-town doctor and make an appointment. If you must go to a hospital to have the test done, a doctor will make arrangements.

It is best to think of your doctor only as a medical caregiver. Unfortunately, many doctors are poor crisis pregnancy counselors. You may have one who is compassionate and encouraging, but if a doctor discourages you from having your baby, refer to this book for advice.

Use a PREGNANCY AIDgency

You won't find a phone book listing that reads "PREGNANCY AIDgency." This term is not the name of a specific agency, but rather is this book's general term for social service agencies that deal exclusively with women in pregnancy crises and help them give birth to their babies. Over 3,000 local PREGNANCY AIDgencies exist worldwide under different names such as Birthright, Lifeline, Helpline, and others. These names and others may be listed in your phone book. Most do free pregnancy testing and can offer you help in many other ways as well.

To locate a local office, call one of the national hotlines listed in Appendix H at the end of this book. If you get an answering machine, leave your first name and phone number or else call back when the AIDgency is open.

Family Planning Clinics--A Word of Caution

Family planning clinics and abortion clinics frequently advertise free pregnancy testing. However, these clinics make money by performing abortions and may encourage you to consider one without offering the options listed in this book. If you want to have your baby, a very caring abortion counselor will only distress and confuse you if the counselor is convinced that this pregnancy will ruin your life. No matter what you're told, you can give birth to your baby. This book tells you how.

Some abortion clinics advise over 85 percent of the women who test positive for pregnancy to have abortions, according to JoAnn Gaspar, a former employee of Planned Parenthood. Debra Henry, a certified medical assistant who assisted at an abortion clinic, explains. "We were told to find the (pregnant) woman's weakness and work on it. The women were never given any alternatives. They were told how much trouble it was to have a baby." Knowing this, you can decide if you want to go to an abortion clinic at all.

To research an article on abortion counseling, happily pregnant Krystal made an appointment at an abortion clinic. Her own doctor had spoken to Krystal about her four-month-old baby and had allowed her to watch the child on the ultrasound for almost an hour. The clinic counselor never mentioned the word "baby" and positioned the ultrasound screen so that Krystal could see nothing. Even though Krystal said she hadn't thought through the decision to abort, the counselor discussed no alternatives to abortion and, instead, assured Krystal that the "termination procedure" was like "having a tooth pulled." Krystal's article was published in a national magazine. Krystal gave birth to her much loved daughter.

CHOOSING A CONFIDANT

A pregnancy crisis is a frightening time to be alone. You need a friend in whom you can confide your deepest hopes and fears. But who?

Choosing the right confidant will be one of the most important decisions you will ever make. The right confidant will encourage and support you, dispelling much of your stress and tension.

You wouldn't be reading this book if you didn't want the best for yourself and your baby. The wrong kind of confidant will offer opinions without really considering what is best for you and your baby. He or she may be kind, intelligent, and well-meaning. But if this confidant is pressuring you to abort your baby, you will experience much additional stress and tension. You don't need any more of that, do you?

Finding the Right Friend

A volunteer from a PREGNANCY AIDgency should make an excellent confidant. These volunteers are trained to both help and support you. Why not give your local PREGNANCY AIDgency a call? When calling long distance, call collect so that you won't have to pay for the call. Try to visit your confidant, too.

Secret Testing in Progress

Suppose you have someone other than a PREGNANCY AIDgency volunteer in mind for your confidant. How can you tell if this person will support you?

Strike up a conversation with the person you are considering confiding in. Casually bring up pregnancy problems or abortion, focusing on something currently in the news. Or discuss someone who had a surprise pregnancy, or a book or movie with a crisis pregnancy in the plot.

How does your potential confidant respond? People may respond in the following ways.

* No matter how kind or well-meaning a person is, don't confide in someone whose remarks are very much in favor of aborting your baby. Such remarks might include, "Abortion is a legal right. It's the best choice." "I don't know why women have babies they didn't plan." "The world is too populated already." "An unplanned baby can ruin your life." "Abortion is the best way out of a bad situation."

People have a right to these opinions. However, no matter how nice these people are, they are likely to attempt to persuade you to abort your baby.

* Consider confiding in someone who is against abortion. This person might say, "A woman can always choose adoption." "A baby should have a chance." "If women would just have faith, God would help them give birth." "A woman might have problems because of an abortion."

If this person is kind, clear-thinking, and nonjudgmental, you may have found an excellent confidant who would stick by you through good times and bad, right up to and even after the birth.

* Many people claim that abortion should be a personal choice. "It's up to a woman to decide." "I would never have an abortion myself, but I can't stop someone else from having one." "A woman has to live with her own decision." "I don't like abortion, but if a woman thinks she needs one, it's her choice."

A proponent of abortion who is honestly pro-choice should accept your choice to give birth and should help you to carry out that choice. However, some people who claim to be pro-choice may believe that abortion is almost always the best choice. These people may try to persuade you to believe this, too. Take care in choosing your confidant to ensure that the individual is most interested in your plans--not in a personal agenda.

This Is the One!

Keep chatting with potential confidants until you find one who seems supportive. Ask your confidant to keep your secret and invite your confidant to stand by you and to help you. If you find that you've made a poor choice, quiz others and choose again.

With two adolescent children, a recently born baby she hadn't planned on having, and a husband who had just gone bankrupt, Harmony got pregnant again. By confiding in a pro-life friend and keeping her pregnancy hidden until her sixth month, Harmony slowly worked through her depression and anger, and came to believe that God had a plan for her baby. Her husband got a new job, and her baby girl brought great joy to her family.

CARE FOR YOUR BABY AND YOURSELF

Every pregnant woman needs to be under a doctor's care from the very beginning of her pregnancy. A doctor will prescribe prenatal vitamins, which will keep you and your baby healthier, and will be able to spot and treat any medical problems that arise. For your own health and that of your baby, you need to choose a doctor now.

Of course, you want a doctor who will be supportive of your decision to give birth. Not all doctors will feel this way. Chapter Three and Appendix E will tell you how to choose a supportive doctor. Refer to these sections now.

If you are embarrassed by your pregnancy, or don't want others to know about it, you may feel very uneasy about seeing a doctor. Ask a PREGNANCY AIDgency to refer you to a good doctor in a nearby area, or consult the phone book to find a doctor who does not know you. Remember, a doctor should not broadcast your pregnancy to the world, or even to your parents or partner, if you don't want others to know.

CONCEAL YOUR PREGNANCY

If you're not blessed with supportive family and friends, it's probably best to conceal your pregnancy until you have a plan for dealing with it. By waiting several months, some people who would have pressured you to abort will think that you are "too far along."

By then, you'll feel more confident and at peace because you will be working out ways to give birth. You can carefully plan if, how, and when to announce your pregnancy and your pregnancy plan to others.

For now, do not mention your pregnancy to anyone who might discourage or pressure you, not even a parent or lover. Confide in your confidant and doctor only. The following suggestions will help you conceal your pregnancy.

* Act cheerful and untroubled. Practice looking happy before a mirror until you feel more comfortable.

Get your rest by going to bed earlier or spending time in your bedroom. If you share a room, see if you can rest at your confidant's house. If nausea is a problem, refer to the advice given later in this chapter.

* If you engage in strenuous physical activity or have a potentially dangerous job, tell your doctor. If necessary, your doctor can exempt you from some physical activities or request safer working conditions without making your pregnancy public.

* Practice good posture. Slouching emphasizes your belly. Good posture makes your tummy recede into your waistline. Ask your doctor for some posture exercises for pregnant women, or consult a library book.

* Wear concealing clothing, not maternity clothes. Although your stomach may look fat to you, proper clothing can conceal the bulge from others for at least five to seven months. Fasten your jeans or skirts with pins or leave the snap and zipper open. Choose long, large, loose bulky sweaters, T-shirts, jogging suits, men's shirts, or oversized blouses. Consider elastic-waisted slacks in a larger size; billowy, oversized fashions; or suits with concealing jackets. Purchase maternity pantyhose and you needn't worry about them slipping. As you gradually switch to looser styles, people will assume you've changed your wardrobe or that you've gained a little weight.

Gayle's wardrobe of tasteful suits and loose dresses was perfect for hiding her unexpected pregnancy, especially since Gayle had beautiful posture. She wanted to parent her baby but hid her pregnancy until the eighth month, even from her other four children, the youngest a preteen. At forty-two, Gayle was campaigning for public office after recovering from an extremely malignant form of abdominal cancer. She did not want her family to pressure her to stop campaigning or to choose abortion, as her doctors, who feared the pregnancy might cause the cancer to recur or spread, were doing. Ten days after losing her bid for office,

Gayle gave birth to a son whom she calls "a gift from God."

FOLLOW THE FOUR C'S

Confirm your pregnancy--then you can begin planning for your baby. Find a confidant to share your burden. Choose a good doctor to care for you and your baby. Conceal your pregnancy until your plans are firm. Soon your crisis will turn into cradlesong.

KEEPING YOUR PREGNANCY A SECRET

"A secret's a secret if only trustworthy folks know."

--M. P. N.

Not every woman has to conceal her pregnancy. In many areas, unmarried moms are common and generally well accepted. Think carefully about whether you really need to keep your pregnancy a secret and from whom. Being truthful is always much simpler than keeping any secret.

However, you may come from a very conservative family or a very conventional area. You may be in an abusive or threatening environment. Possibly, you have a very good reason for keeping your pregnancy a secret. But can you really conceal your pregnancy and give birth to your baby? Yes, you can.

Most women who keep their pregnancies secret make adoption plans for their babies as Andrea, Kathleen, and Farrah (mentioned later in this chapter) did. Chapter Five and Appendix G will help you make an adoption plan.

MAKING A PLAN

You may want to keep your pregnancy a secret from your family and friends, but somebody will have to know. The best thing to do is to contact a PREGNANCY AIDgency to devise a safe, comfortable plan. You will probably need to consider one or all of the following in making plans to conceal your pregnancy.

Overcoming Embarrassment

If you're unmarried but embarrassed by your pregnancy, wear an inexpensive wedding band. If anyone mentions your husband, you could say, "All that guy left me is this baby. I prefer not to talk about it." This statement avoids lying, keeps people from prying, and leaves you free to date.

If a new relationship begins to get serious, tell this desirable man the complete truth. If he loves you, he should be able to accept your pregnancy. A PREGNANCY AIDgency volunteer or other counselor can help you tell him lovingly and gently.

Alibis

If you move away to give birth, you need a believable alibi for going. In your new location, a PREGNANCY AIDgency can help you get a job, continue your education, or learn a skill. You can tell those at home that you're visiting friends, taking a vacation, or caring for a relative. Or say you've been under a lot of stress (don't say why) and a doctor has ordered you to get away for a while. You could make up a unique excuse.

Andrea and Kathleen used these techniques to hide their pregnancies forever, even from their families. Andrea said she was "going on vacation" but, instead, went to a PREGNANCY AIDgency shelter home and gave birth. Kathleen went away to college and gave birth in the college town. Andrea returned home with postcards, and Kathleen with college credits, without anyone suspecting that the two had been pregnant. Wealthy, prestigious Farrah's parents would not even tell the PREGNANCY AIDgency their daughter's real name as she took an extended trip out of the country. All three of these women made adoption plans.

Other Children

If you have other children, what arrangements will you make for them? Can a friend or relative care for them if you go away? Could you have a nanny in your home? Could your children go with you? A PREGNANCY AIDgency can help you make plans.

Permanent Relocation

Some women move elsewhere permanently. Maybe you'd like to start out fresh someplace else. When you decide where, ask a PREGNANCY AIDgency to help you get settled. Then consider counseling to heal emotional wounds from the past and to provide you with skills for the future.

KEEPING YOUR SECRET AND PARENTING YOUR BABY

As mentioned before, most women who keep their pregnancies secret choose adoption. Some, however, make plans for parenting their babies themselves. Do you want to do this? Think carefully before you decide. Unless you are in a very difficult, unusual, or dangerous situation, it's much better to tell the truth. People will adjust in time.

However, if parenting your baby while keeping your pregnancy a secret is your only real choice, you must plan very carefully. You need an excuse for going away. Then you must fabricate an adoption story. You'll have to be strongly motivated to carry this off without telling complicated lies that might ensnare you. Below are some stories you could use.

* You could tell people that your parents have consented to adopt a relative's baby. Make up an excuse for going away. Send your newborn, known as the "relative's baby" to others, home. Then return home several months later.

If you want to breastfeed, ask a PREGNANCY AIDgency to place your baby with a nearby family. You return home. Visit and breastfeed your baby daily until you bring the infant home several months later.

* Ask a close friend to parent your baby for a time. Tell people that this friend is helping out a friend or relative who can't parent right now. After a time, the baby's fabricated mother either dies or puts the baby up for adoption. Your friend doesn't wish to adopt the baby, but you have come to know and love the child. You graciously "adopt" the infant.

* You might tell people that you are making private adoption arrangements. Things are moving along quite quickly. However, you have to go away for a while on business or for some other fabricated reason.

Find someone to parent your child temporarily. Leave your baby with this person and return home. In a few months, joyfully announce that your adoption has come through! You return to your baby's temporary home and bring the baby back with you, having "adopted" your child.

* You could say nothing about adoption. Instead, remark that a very ill relative or friend has been in touch with you. Get a friend or PREGNANCY AIDgency volunteer to play the role of this imaginary woman. Write her letters and telephone her.

This woman eventually asks you to come and care for her, so you leave your family to do so. What you are really doing is going away to give birth. Finally, you agree to raise this woman's baby because she is too ill or emotionally unstable to do so. You might even say the woman died.

RECORD THE TRUTH

If you are planning to "adopt" your own baby, you need not sign any legal papers because the adoption is only a story. However, someone may question the adoption. Someday your child may want to find his or her "birth mother." Confidentially file the true story with your lawyer. Someday, when your present situation has passed, someone may need to know the facts.

At a dance, a married acquaintance offered Sarah, who had a physical disability, a ride home and raped her on the way. Single and pregnant, Sarah went to a maternity home but was so uncomfortable choosing adoption that her parents agreed to raise baby Ria as if she were Sarah's sister.

Afraid that Ria would run away if she knew the truth, Ria's family did not tell her who her birth mother really was until she had come home from law school to care for the two elderly "parents," now terminally ill. When Sarah's mother told Ria that she was not Ria's mother, Ria gently responded, "I know. Sarah is. Someone told me years ago."

After her "parents" died, Ria returned to law school. Today she has a successful law practice. Sarah lives with Ria. The two are very close.

KEEPING THINGS QUIET

Pregnancies can be kept secret if they must be. Review your reasons for wanting to keep your pregnancy a secret. Are they strong enough to warrant the suggestions in this chapter? If so, enlist the help of someone you can trust plus your local PREGNANCY AIDgency. If you are strongly motivated, you can keep this pregnancy a secret from those who don't need to know, while still giving birth.

RELIEVING PANIC AND STRESS

"In the midst of every hurricane

lies a center of calm."

--M. P. N.

Does this pregnancy really worry you? You may be unable to think, eat, or sleep. You may feel as if you are losing your mind. Is this stress normal? Yes!

HORMONAL CHANGES PRODUCE STRESSFUL EMOTIONS

Pregnancy changes your body chemistry with hormones. Hormones are chemicals made by endocrine glands. They are secreted directly into your bloodstream. While keeping you pregnant, these pregnancy hormones also cause mood shifts regardless of whether your pregnancy involves crisis. This is why you may feel confident one minute and despairing the next. You're experiencing the normal emotional roller coaster of pregnancy. As your body adjusts to pregnancy, the hormonal upheaval will end and your moods will stabilize. Then you'll feel better!

If you're at the very beginning or very end of your childbearing years, your hormones will be even more disturbed. Even if you are not pregnant, your fluctuating level of hormones during adolescence and menopause can make you feel conspicuous, emotional, and irritable. This is how women who are entering puberty and menopause feel. Rebellion and depression are normal and will subside in time.

CRISIS CREATES UPHEAVAL

It takes a while to accept the fact that you really and truly are pregnant. When denial disappears, you'll feel emotions that range from worry to despair. How can this be happening? How can life go on normally when you are so tense and jumpy? Are people staring at you? How do you handle anger, guilt, fear, worry, helplessness, and frustration? Do you punch walls, run a marathon, cry? Will you ever smile again?

You may feel exhausted, nauseated, or tearful. You may experience cramps. Concentrating on anything seems impossible. You think only about yourself.

You're experiencing the normal symptoms of stress and adjustment. Experiencing strong emotions means that you are facing, not burying, your crisis. That's healthy.

SUICIDAL FEELINGS

You might get so depressed that you think of killing yourself. If you have these thoughts often, or if you are really considering suicide, call a suicide hotline, emergency helpline, or PREGNANCY AIDgency twenty-four-hour hotline. Call now! Chapter Seven has additional information on dealing with suicidal tendencies that you may have during your pregnancy.

THE EFFECT OF PAST TRAUMAS

Your past affects your self-image and your behavior. You may have unhealthy attitudes that are keeping you from handling this crisis well.

Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect can leave you feeling worthless. If no one seemed to care about you in the past, you may doubt that anyone will care now. Why should anyone care anyway? Why care yourself?

Perhaps in the past--or now--you did not "fit in" with your peers, and had few friends. Because of that, you may dislike yourself and feel incapable of dealing with others. You may be terrified of how others will react now that you are pregnant.

On the other hand, you may want to please your peer group. You may feel that popularity comes from "fitting in" and "going along with the crowd," and your crowd may think that giving birth is foolish.

Maybe you were hurt when someone said or did something to you or when someone you loved disappeared from your life. Perhaps you feel responsible, possibly unreasonably, for being hurt. You may be afraid that this pregnancy will hurt others or yourself.

Perhaps you grew up in a home where a parent, grandparent, or guardian had addictions or other unhealthy life patterns. Did this person drink too much, abuse drugs, gamble, overeat, nurse depression, or have excessive or deviant sexual interests? Did this person break promises, overreact, or seem self-centered? This may have affected your self-esteem in a negative way. Or did this person give you everything you wanted and let you do as you pleased? This may have caused you to grow up thinking that life is supposed to be constantly easy.

We learn coping skills from our parents. If your grandparents had childish behaviors, your parents probably learned similar behaviors and parented you poorly. You learn from your parents. You may never have learned responsibility or maturity because no one in your family ever modeled those behaviors.

An indifferent, inconsistent, overly indulgent, overly restrictive, or abusive parent or guardian can make you feel helpless, incompetent, or rebellious. Because of your upbringing, it may be easy for others to manipulate you. You may try to run from a crisis. Perhaps you would rather do nothing than deal with a crisis.

THE EFFECT OF ADDICTIONS

If you're addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, spending, sex, food, or anything else, or if you engage in self-mutilation, you're running from life or trying to bury emotional wounds. Why are you doing this? Peer pressure? An unhappy home life? School pressure? Stress? Is your addiction enjoyable?

Your maturity ends when your addiction begins. In order to plan for your baby, you need to think clearly and maturely. Stopping your addictive behavior definitely helps.

However, you can't break an addiction on your own. You need help. Take these three steps first: admit that you have an addiction, that you desperately want to stop the addiction permanently, and that you cannot stop it without help.

Understand your addiction. Appendix I lists some books that deal with addictions. Call a hospital or helpline for referral to counselors, psychologists, or self-help groups that deal with addictions. Appendix H lists some groups. If your area has no group that deals with your specific addiction, find a support group that focuses on a different addiction. Most "anonymous" groups follow the same twelve-step program. You'll find help, advice, and group support in staying "clean and serene" and in breaking your addiction. Then you will be able to plan a better life for yourself and your baby.

CONFIDE IN SOMEONE

Speak to someone who can help you work through your past and your problems while supporting your decision to bear your baby. How about your confidant? What about a counselor, member of the clergy, or self-help group? Consult books. Appendix I has some sources to help you. Discover in what areas you need healing and growth, and learn to deal with crisis.

Valerie came from a cold, uncommunicative, alcoholic, wealthy family. She had experienced the death of a sister, had experimented with drugs, and had several sexual relationships and three abortions. Despite a doctor's advice to abort, she had borne one child and was pregnant again. When this child was born severely ill, her mother-in-law, who disapproved of Valerie's racial background, committed suicide.

The product of a traumatic childhood, Valerie's husband had emotional problems, too. At Valerie's insistence, he stopped seeing other women, got a vasectomy, and went for counseling. Valerie began attending religious services, prayed daily, and sought spiritual counseling.

Today Valerie and her husband have a close relationship, although they are still working through some past traumas. Valerie is a family therapist specializing in Post Abortion Stress Syndrome and the medical aspects of abortion.

MANAGING STRESS

Regardless of whether you have experienced past traumas or have addictions, you must learn to manage stress or stress will manage you! You can manage stress in several ways, some of which are suggested here. Do whatever seems to work for you.

Physical Activity

Physical activity and exercise release stress. Because you're pregnant, you must be careful not to strain your abdominal muscles. Avoid pulling, stretching, heavy lifting, and other activities that put strain on your abdomen. Abdominal strain may harm you and your baby.

Always check with your doctor before engaging in sports or other physical activities, including those suggested here. If you have a health problem or have had a difficult previous pregnancy, your doctor may tailor an exercise program to fit your situation.

Ask your doctor about walking. It tones your body by strengthening your cardiovascular system and by exercising nearly all your muscles. You should jog only if you are a seasoned jogger, and only under a doctor's supervision. Walking and jogging get you outdoors, where the soothing psychological effects of natural light can help you feel better, too.

Indoors, you can walk in place, about fifty-five steps a minute. Do this for twenty minutes a day while watching TV, and you'll feel better!

All standard swimming strokes--crawl, breast stroke, side stroke--are usually fine during pregnancy. Check with your doctor to be sure. Swim a half mile or less daily in comfortably warm water.

Riding a regular bicycle is dangerous late in pregnancy, because your pregnant body changes your balance and you may fall. Bike stores sell equipment that can convert a regular bike into a stationary one. Or, you can buy or borrow a sturdy new or used stationary bike. Pedal for ten minutes, two or three times daily, at a comfortable rate of about seven miles per hour. You can buy a reading rack for a stationary bike and read while riding, or you can watch television while you ride.

Several books contain exercises for pregnant women, and a few are listed at the end of this book. Obtain these books from a library, doctor, or bookstore. Another good idea is to take prenatal exercise classes or prenatal aerobics. Look in your newspaper for details, or call your local hospital.

Relaxation Exercises

Ask your doctor about the following anti-stress exercise, suggested in many books on pregnancy fitness. Lie comfortably on your side with a pillow under your head. Keep your bottom leg relaxed and straight. Use two pillows to support your upper leg, comfortably bent at the knee. Late in pregnancy, you may use soft pillows to support your uterus or breasts. In this position, your body can be totally comfortable and relaxed.

Beginning with one foot, contract (tense or tighten up) that foot's muscles as slowly and tightly as possible while breathing in deeply and slowly through your nose. Then slowly relax your foot completely while breathing out slowly through your mouth. Think "contract" while contracting and "relax" while relaxing. Then slowly contract and relax your other foot.

Proceed slowly through each muscle in your body in the following order: each calf muscle (the muscle between your ankle and your knee), each thigh muscle (the muscle in your upper leg), your pelvic floor muscle (the muscle you use to stop urination), your buttocks, your abdomen, your chest, your shoulders, each hand, each arm, your neck, and your entire face. The more slowly you do these exercises, the more relaxed you will feel.

After finishing the exercises, take two slow, deep breaths through your nose and let them out slowly through your mouth.

Do relaxation exercises at least three times daily. You will soon be able to relax consciously. If you practice now, you will be able to do relaxation exercises during labor, and you will probably have a quicker, more comfortable delivery.

Housework

Your doctor will probably agree that nonstrenuous housework offers a safe, effective method for reducing tension, while completing disagreeable or boring tasks. Don't do anything that will strain your abdominal muscles or that might throw you off balance and cause a fall. Don't move or lift heavy items or climb on ladders and chairs! Avoid using disinfectants, furniture polishes, and other cleansers with strong fumes. It is usually safe to do light yard work, light housecleaning, and creative cooking.

Hobbies and Other Pursuits

Hobbies are excellent ways to relax. Unless you like to skydive or water-ski, most hobbies are safe to engage in during pregnancy. To be sure, ask your doctor.

Arts and crafts are fun. Don't worry about whether you're good at your craft. The goal is to relax and release tension, not to win a contest. Be sure to check with a doctor before using any paints or glues with strong fumes. Fumes can make you ill and may be harmful to your baby.

Techniques for Releasing Tension

Besides exercise and hobbies, there are some unusual tension-releasing methods that can be effective. The suggestions that follow may help.

* Scream--either out loud or in silence. But keep in mind that unborn babies four months old or older can hear your voice, so you may want to muffle your screams so as not to startle your child. Scream into a pillow, or turn on the bathroom shower full blast, and scream or sing at the top of your lungs.

* Punching pillows releases explosive anger and frustration and is much better than punching people or walls! It also helps if you have a tendency to harm yourself when you are upset. If your children catch you punching pillows, explain that you are upset, but not with them, and that this makes you feel better.

* Take a handful of newspaper and twist, tear, puncture, and shred it to bits. Cleaning up also reduces tension (whereas not cleaning up creates it!).

* Crying is a wonderful outlet for your emotions. A good cry may make you feel better.

* Do isometric exercises with your face, hands, and feet (do not do them with your abdomen or chest). Get comfortable. Contract your muscles as tightly as possible, in one area of your body at a time, then consciously relax them.

Quiet Relaxation Techniques

Relaxation is important for your health and that of your baby, and helps release tension. There are many things you can do to help yourself relax.

Don't overlook gentle touching. Ask a friend for a hug, a massage, or a back rub. Then return the favor. Have someone brush your hair. Touch and play with a pet. Cuddle a youngster or that special someone! Touching and being touched can help release stress from your body.

Take a warm shower. The flow of warm water and the murmur of the shower will put you at ease.

Get your sleep! This means seven or eight hours at night and a catnap or two during the day as well. Drink a glass of milk before going to bed. It acts as a natural tranquilizer. Or substitute cheese, low-calorie ice cream, or yogurt.

Watch Your Diet

Remember that whatever you put into your body affects both you and your baby. Some foods increase tension and nervousness, and have other undesirable effects.

Caffeine can make you "jumpy," absorb B vitamins, and increase your nausea. Avoid caffeine-containing foods, such as coffee, tea, chocolate, and many soft drinks, as well as chocolate- or coffee-flavored foods.

Pastries, candies, desserts, soft drinks, and many breakfast cereals contain excess sugar. Sugar's quick pick-up takes a quick downturn to exhaustion and depression.

Many processed foods, mixes, candies, pastries, and dry cereals contain artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives. If you are sensitive to these additives, you'll feel jumpy, frustrated, sleepless, angry, or depressed for hours or even days after eating them.

One in ten people has a food sensitivity but does not know it. If you have a food allergy, you may feel ill, tense, or grouchy after eating the offensive food. Appendix I lists some books that can help you discover food allergies and tell you how to handle them.

Avoid alcoholic beverages, smoking, overeating, and taking drugs. These are bad for you and your baby, can cause addictions, and can mask your problems without really helping you to solve them. Find better ways to relax.

BURNOUT

Heavy involvement in your career or in home, school, social, or civic activities, coupled with pregnancy worries, may make you feel as if you are losing or out of control. You may be burning yourself out by trying to do too much.

With your confidant, evaluate your lifestyle and what you should do. You may need to make some changes.

If you feel as if you are doing too much, reduce your activities. Re-examine your hectic schedule and keep only those activities that give you the most satisfaction. Learn to say "no" to requests for your time. Each day, consciously take some time to relax. Each week, do something that you really enjoy.

Make lists of jobs you would like done, do what's important, and let the rest go. Admit that you cannot do everything well at the same time.

BE CALM

You can help yourself calm down. As your pregnant body's rapid hormonal shifts slow down and attain an equilibrium, you will begin to feel better. As you start to manage your life, you'll feel calmer, too. Each day, do something to reduce your tension. As you feel calmer, you'll be able to deal more rationally with your future, think more clearly, and make workable plans. Meeting these objectives is cause for rejoicing!

DEVELOPING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Doubt sees the obstacles--

Faith sees the way!

Doubt sees the darkest night--

Faith sees the day!

Doubt dreads to take a step--

Faith soars on high.

Doubt questions, "Who Believes?"--

Faith answers, "I."

--Author unknown

Remember the familiar children's story The Little Engine That Could? The little engine faced the almost impossible task of pulling a much larger disabled train over a high mountain. The little engine chugged up the mountain, chanting, "I think I can. I think I can." And she succeeded because she worked hard and thought positively.

When you talk to yourself (and we all do that--quietly or out loud), what do you say? Do you make plans with confidence or are you a negative thinker? Do you think, "I can never solve this problem" or "I can't do it" or "This will never work out"? If so, negative thinking paralyzes you!

You must learn to think positively. "I can solve this problem." "I can do it." "This will work out."

"I think I can" will help you get the job done. Positive thinking really does work. Try it. You'll be surprised at how good you'll start to feel about yourself.

BECOME A POSITIVE THINKER

You will have to keep reminding yourself to be a positive thinker. Below are some ways suggested by

Robert Handley, an expert in positive thinking, to do so.

* Remind yourself by sticking colorful children's stickers in various locations such as on your refrigerator, typewriter, phone, and notebook. Whenever you see a sticker, examine whether you feel relaxed and what you are thinking. Are you tense? Are you engaging in negative self-talk?

* If you're tense, relax following a technique mentioned previously in this chapter. Change any negative thoughts into positive ones. If you're thinking, "I can't do this," think instead, "I can do this." If you're nervous, tell yourself, "I can feel calm." If you feel that your situation is hopeless, think, "This will work out."

* Visualize yourself working successfully through your problems. Visualize how you would act, what you would say, who you would see, where you would be, and what you would have to do to make this vision a reality. Let this book guide you.

* Act like the person you want to be. Act peaceful and confident, even if you're nervous, and you will influence your subconscious mind. You will actually start to become a more confident, calm woman.

* Avoid people who tell you that you can't handle your life and who feed you other negative thoughts. They will undermine your confidence.

* Find inspirational books in a library, bookstore, church, or synagogue, or borrow some. If you read ten or fifteen minutes a day, your outlook will brighten.