If You Don't Want a Child
You may never have wanted to have a child. If
so, you have your reasons, but do you know what
they are? These questions will help you discover
them. Write down what is bothering you and
discuss it with a counselor, confidant, or
member of the clergy. Once you know why having a
child seems so upsetting, you may be able to
confront your emotions logically. Do your
feelings reflect the truth in every situation or
is your past coloring your views? Perhaps you
need to talk to some parents or receive some
psychological counseling. With guidance, it is
possible to work through your negative emotions
and give birth to your baby.
CHILDREN AND PARENTING
* Do I dislike children? Why?
* What bad experiences have I had with
children?
* What have I read, heard, or observed that
has formed my views?
* Do I think that I will ever change my views
about children?
* What do I think of people who love
children?
* Do I understand that nearly every person's
view of children has some basis? What is my view
of children? The view of those who love
children?
* How was my relationship with my mother?
Father? Why was it like that? Did I hate one or
both parents?
* How am I different from either parent?
Which parent do I see myself becoming if I
parent a child? How do I feel about that?
* Can I change my personal parenting image?
Understand Your Childhood
* Did I know my parents?
* Was I in foster care or adopted?
* Did I grow up in a group home or facility
for children?
* What attitudes do I have toward my
upbringing? How do these attitudes affect me and
my views of parenting?
* Was I treated badly as a child? Neglected?
Abused, either physically, sexually, or
emotionally?
* Did I have trouble living up to someone
else's expectations? Was I never good enough?
* Did my parents treat me as if I were, or
should have been, a miniature adult?
* Do I fear that I (or others) will treat my
child as I was treated?
* Did I feel unwanted as a child? Unplanned?
Did I seem a burden?
* Am I afraid that my child would be a
burden? Be unwanted?
* Is it I or someone else who doesn't want my
child?
* Am I embarrassed to admit that I don't want
my baby? Do I feel guilty?
* Am I afraid that my child would hate or
reject me? Would rebel? Would cause me emotional
pain? Would be a financial drain?
* How do I see my unborn baby? As a glob? As
a non-person? Is this how I really feel or am I
trying to cover up or ignore my deepest
knowledge that I have a child, small, not fully
formed, but still a child, within me?
* Am I convincing myself that my child is a
formless mass so that I can get an abortion
without any regrets? Would I have any regrets?
Now? Five years from now? When I'm old?
Fears of Parenting Options
* Do I feel incapable of parenting? Am I
insecure?
* Why doesn't parenting fit into my view of
myself?
* Would parenting interfere with my career,
education, lifestyle, world view?
* Would I ever change my views about being a
parent? How do I feel about that?
* Am I afraid that I will want to raise my
baby if I give birth? Does that frighten me?
* What is it about motherhood that frightens
or repels me? Can talking to other mothers
relieve some of my fears?
* Would I want to leave my job to care for my
child? Does this frighten me? Why?
* Do I know about day care or babysitting?
How do I feel about these options? What about a
live-in nanny, arrangements with relatives, or
sharing child care with my partner?
* What are my feelings about adoption? Why do
I feel this way? Can I change? Do I need more
information about adoption?
* Do I think I would be foolish to go through
pregnancy and then make an adoption plan? Why do
I feel this way?
* Do I realize that nine months of my life
can give a baby decades to live, either with me
or with someone else?
* Do I know that I can keep in touch with my
child if I make certain adoption plans? Is this
an option for me?
MEN AND WOMEN
* What is my view of women? Of men? Do I see
women as servants, men as masters? Is this just?
Accurate?
* Does my value come from my sexuality? Do I
feel that I must always be sexually available,
always attractive?
* Do men give me a sense of worth? What is my
worth without a man in my life?
* Is sex fun?
* Am I afraid this pregnancy will ruin my
dating or sexual relationship? How much do I
really know about sex during pregnancy? Can a
doctor give me the facts?
Body Beautiful?
* How do I feel about pregnant women? What do
I think pregnant women look like? How does
pregnancy change my view of myself and my sex
appeal?
* What is unjust in the way some men perceive
pregnant women?
* Have I always feared weight gain? Do I have
a thin ideal of myself? Do I think fat people
are ugly?
Why do I feel the way I do about my body? Is
this a just viewpoint?
* Does the weight gain of pregnancy worry me
more than anything else? How will pregnancy
really affect my weight over a year's time?
* Can I tolerate being heavy for a brief time
to give my baby a chance at a future?
* Am I afraid that pregnancy will permanently
disfigure my body? Am I concerned about sagging
breasts and stretch marks? Do I know that
doctors can suggest exercises and creams to
prevent the problems that disgust me?
* Does my lover want a perfect-looking,
always-available woman? Am I afraid of losing
him if I am pregnant?
* Have I ever thought of how I will keep a
man like this when I get old and am no longer
perfect-looking or always available?
* Should this man and I have a good
discussion about my body and our baby? Can we
agree that a less-than-perfect me might be fine
for a while in order to give our baby a future?
You and Men
* Is it really my lover who never, ever
wanted to have a baby? Have I been accepting his
ideas without thinking for myself? How will I
feel if I get an abortion because my lover wants
it?
* Has physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
colored my views of men and of myself?
* Is this pregnancy a result of sexual abuse?
* Do I hate men?
* Do I think that my baby is a boy and that I
would hate him for being male? Why do I have
these feelings? Do I want to overcome these
feelings? What can I do to overcome them? Might
a psychologist help?
* Do I hate myself? Have I ever thought of
suicide? Do I wish I were dead sometimes? Do I
wish I had never been born?
* Am I afraid that my child will have the
same negative feelings that I have? How do I
know what my child will feel?
* How can I change my feelings about myself
and life? Do I want to change them?
* Do I need counseling?
Feminist Fears
* Do I think that pregnancy controls a
woman's destiny? Does it have to?
* Do I believe that my freedom rests in
controlling my childbearing? What does "control"
mean?
* Do I think that going through one pregnancy
will mean that I will go through many more?
* Do I believe that society wants to keep
women "poor, barefoot, and pregnant"? Is it
possible to be pregnant while rejecting the
second-class role of women?
* Am I a feminist? How do I define feminism?
* Does a feminist bow to society's pressure
or strive to change society?
* Can a true feminist give birth to her baby
while working to make her own future into what
she wants it to be? Will such a woman's actions
pave the way for other women to have their
babies without ruining their futures?
* How liberated or equal am I if I can have a
good future only by denying my pregnancy? Is
this liberation? Or am I still enslaved to the
double standard that says a man can sow his wild
oats but a woman better not get caught?
* Will I, by having my baby and refusing to
compromise my future, help end the double
standard?
CHANGES
* What do I think of changes? Do I hate or
fear change? Do I like the excitement of change?
* What would be my reaction if I were fired
from my job? Suppose I were evicted from my
home? How would I feel if a 10-ton truck ran
over my car while I was shopping? What do my
answers tell me about my attitude toward change?
Fears for Yourself
* What changes are bothering me, in addition
to those discussed earlier?
* Am I afraid of nausea, exhaustion, or other
pregnancy discomforts? Do I know that a doctor
can help alleviate these common problems?
* Am I afraid that pregnancy will change my
lifestyle? Do I know that pregnancy need not
stop me from doing just about anything that I am
doing now?
* Do I think that pregnancy will make me
ugly, sluggish, or dull? Can I break my
stereotype of the pregnant, dowdy woman sitting
around doing nothing, waiting for her baby to be
born?
* Have I ever seen a vibrant, energetic,
beautiful pregnant woman? Do I think that such a
woman could exist? How can I be one?
* Do I think that giving birth requires a
long recuperation? Do I know that most women
need only a few weeks at most to recover from
giving birth?
* What is my company's maternity leave?
* Am I afraid of giving birth? Why? Did I
hear or read horror stories about childbirth?
Did I hear stories about what my parents "went
through" to have me?
* Can I read some books or take a hospital
course and confront my fears?
NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT YOUR BABY
* Am I repulsed by the thought of a baby
growing in my body? Do I feel like a host to a
parasite? Why do I have this repulsion? Would a
counselor or psychologist help me uncover the
basis of my disgust?
* Did my mother (or someone else) tell me
that I was a "mistake" or the result of failed
birth control? Have her words influenced me
against this baby I didn't plan?
* Do I see the world as spinning toward
destruction?
* Do I think I am foolish for having a child
now?
* What good things am I missing in the world?
* Do I think my child might help improve the
world?
* Would I want my child to experience no
change, no suffering in life? Since I know that
every life experiences both, have I decided not
to have a child to spare that child pain?
* Have I felt that the pain in my own life
far overshadowed the joy?
* How can I change my own future into
something
brighter than the past? Can I do the same for
my baby?
UNEASE ABOUT OTHERS
* Do I know the phone number and address of
my local PREGNANCY AIDgency?
* Am I afraid a volunteer will persuade me to
do something I don't want to do?
* Am I embarrassed to seek help?
* Do I hate revealing my intimate thoughts
and concerns? Do I fear being hurt should I do
so?
* Why do I think a PREGNANCY AIDgency would
misunderstand me when its primary work is with
women in pregnancy crisis?
* Am I too proud to admit that someone else
may offer new insights into my problems?
* Do I have any prejudices against PREGNANCY
AIDgencies? Against other counselors? What are
these prejudices? Are they valid?
* What is keeping me from having my baby?
* Am I experiencing any crisis other than the
pregnancy?
* Is some person or some ideal pressuring me
to abort?
* Do I think that my lifestyle is in jeopardy
if I continue my pregnancy?
* If I think that my pregnancy will destroy
my future, what does that tell me about the
control I have over my life?
* How will this pregnancy redirect my life?
What barriers do I see? Are these barriers
mainly in my mind? Can they be overcome? Am I a
strong enough person to overcome them?
EVALUATING YOUR ANSWERS
* Perhaps you learned something by answering
these questions. How do you feel about yourself
now? About your answers?
* Have you surprised yourself, uncovered
hidden motives, relived painful memories?
* How can what you have learned help you to
have your baby? To plan for your own future? For
your baby's future?