Evaluating Lifestyle Options
You are facing many decisions and you want to
decide well. In making any decision, first you
must get all the facts. Then you must compare
the choices by considering the facts. Finally,
you must decide and then take the responsibility
for your choice.
Obviously, you can make only one choice of
the several you have. For example, if you choose
to parent your baby, you are not choosing
adoption (although you can change your mind
later and then choose it). If you don't choose
well initially, you can always choose again, but
you may have experienced much stress and pain by
making a wrong choice and then correcting it.
This Appendix should help you choose wisely the
first time.
First decide which decisions you must make.
Not every section of this Appendix will apply to
your own situation, but some sections will.
Discuss your answers to the questions in those
sections with a counselor or your confidant.
Based on your answers, what is the best choice
for you and your baby?
If you don't have a clear-cut choice, try
writing down the good and bad aspects of each
choice you have. Which choice will result in the
most good? Perhaps that is the choice you should
make.
DECIDING WHETHER TO CONTINUE YOUR EDUCATION
OR CAREER
You may have difficulty choosing between your
education or career and motherhood, or you may
want to have both simultaneously. Depending upon
your age and situation, discuss the following
questions with a vocational counselor or your
confidant, partner, or parents or guardians.
Career? Education? Motherhood?
* How do I feel about continuing my education
or career and about motherhood? Would I want to
have both? Would I want to choose one and not
the other? Why do I feel this way?
* What is my attitude toward career mothers
or student mothers?
* Can I financially afford to parent a child?
Why or why not? How can I better manage my
finances to make room for a baby? Would a
financial consultant help?
* Can I afford the time to parent a baby now?
Do I have take-home assignments regularly? Can I
do these if I am parenting? Who can watch my
baby while I do this take-home work?
* How do I feel about day care? About a baby
sitter in my home? Where do my feelings
originate? How would I find day care or a sitter
whom I could really trust? Through newspaper
ads? Through a friend? Through a religious
institution? Through my family?
* If I want to keep my baby with me while
working, can I hire a baby sitter to come to
work with me?
* Does my company, place of work, or
educational institution have a child care
center? Should I suggest beginning one? How
would my company or educational institution
react?
* If I want to be a full-time mom, how will I
feel about giving up my career or education for
a few years? Am I afraid that I would be bored,
unfulfilled, or stifled?
* If I am thinking about dropping out of high
school or college to parent my baby, am I making
a good choice? What would be the consequences of
my not having a diploma? Would I ever go back to
school to finish my education? Why or why not?
Does my education matter? Why?
* Do I feel ignorant of child care? Do I
think I would do a bad job? How can I learn the
art of mothering? Through books? Parenting
courses? Advice of friends?
* How would my husband or boyfriend feel
about my combining a career or education with
motherhood? How would he feel if I gave up one
for the other? Do I care how he feels?
* If I am thinking of giving up my job to
parent my child, where will I get the money I
need? Can I use government assistance? Can my
partner support the two of us and the baby on
one salary? Will we have to adjust our
lifestyle? How? How will both of us feel about
that?
* How can I parent my baby and maintain my
career or continue my education? Is adoption
better? How do I feel about each option?
Making A Wise Choice
Choose the option that will give you the most
satisfaction and the least stress in the long
run. You may have to make some trade-offs for a
while in order to achieve your desired long-term
goals.
CHOOSING WHETHER OR NOT TO MARRY
If you're deciding whether or not to marry
either your baby's father or another man,
consider these questions. Marriage is a big
commitment. Think carefully before choosing it.
Your Reasons for Considering Marriage
Why am I considering marriage?
* Because I'm pregnant?
* To give my baby a name?
* Because I think it's the proper thing to
do?
* Because someone else wants me to?
* So that other people won't talk about me?
* Because I want to feel needed and
worthwhile?
* For companionship?
* Are any of these good enough reasons for
marriage?
* Would I be considering marriage if I were
not pregnant?
* Why should someone be getting married?
* Do I love this man enough to want to spend
my whole life with him?
"Costs" of Marriage
* Am I willing to give up my freedom to be
married now?
* Will marriage to this man cause me to
abandon my educational or career goals? Why? How
does this make me feel?
* Am I willing to adjust my lifestyle to
accommodate this man and marriage?
* Am I ready to take on responsibility for
caring for myself, my baby, and this man as
well?
* Is this man ready to give himself totally
to the care of his child and to me as his wife?
Will he do this forever or will he lose
interest? Will I lose interest in him?
* Do I think this marriage will last? Will we
work to make it last?
Understanding the Man You Are Considering
Marrying
* Is this man willing to let me be my own
person or does he want to control me?
* Does he want me to baby him or to wait on
him?
* Who does this man view as the authority in
the family?
* What kind of a man is he? Is he someone I
can love, trust, and admire?
* Can I confide in him?
* Is he mature enough to be a husband and a
dad? Will he change in the future?
* Does he still have a lot of growing up to
do?
* Do I think I can change this man after
marriage? What if I can't? Can I accept him
then?
* What faults does this man have? Can I
accept them for life?
* Does this man treat me the same when we are
alone as when we are with his friends and
family?
* Can I get along with this man's friends and
family? Can he get along with mine?
* How well do we communicate? Can we share
feelings?
* How much do we argue? Does one person
always give in to the other?
* Has this man ever physically or emotionally
abused me?
* Does he have a jealous nature?
* Does he have a drug or alcohol problem?
* Does he cheat on me?
* What kind of family background does he
have? How much will it influence the type of
husband and father he will be?
Practical Considerations
* If I marry this man, will we have the
finances and the maturity to make this marriage
work?
* Who is going to get a job? One or both of
us?
* What happens after the baby comes? Will I
keep my job or stay home? How will that work
out? Do I like this arrangement?
* Will we share finances? Can we budget?
* Will we share household tasks?
* How will we delegate job responsibilities
in the home?
* Can we enjoy recreation, hobbies, and
vacations together? Are our interests radically
different?
* Is religion important to one or both of us?
Do we have similar beliefs?
* If we have different religious beliefs,
will one of us try to "convert" the other?
* How will we handle religion with our
children?
* Do we agree on the number of children we
want to have?
* Will we share parenting responsibilities?
* What is our philosophy of child rearing? Of
motherhood? Fatherhood?
* Is sex the most important aspect of our
relationship? Should it be?
* What is this man's view of sexual intimacy?
* How often will he want to have intercourse?
Am I comfortable with this?
* What future goals does this man have? How
does he want to meet them? Do I agree?
To Marry or Not?
Think carefully about how you answered these
questions. Ask someone who knows this man well
to answer the questions also. Do your answers
match the other person's? What have you learned
about the man you are considering for a husband?
Is he good husband and parent material? Do you
both have similar views? Do you have solid
reasons for wanting to marry now?
If you are not sure whether you should marry,
wait. Your hesitation is an indication that you
have doubts. Rethink your decision and marry
only when you're sure. Otherwise, you may be
headed for failure. As someone commented, "It's
better to be single than to be married to the
wrong person."
EVALUATING AN AFFAIR
If you are involved in an affair, it means
that either you or your lover is committed to
someone else. One or both of you has two or more
intimate relationships at the same time. For
example, you or your lover may be married to,
engaged to, or living with someone else. No
matter which of you has committed yourself to
another relationship, you are both involved in
an affair.
The questions in this section will help you
understand why you are involved in an affair and
the consequences of continuing. They will also
help you decide if you wish to remain with
either of your lovers. Often people who know you
or your lover, or both of you, can help you
logically evaluate an affair. Discuss the
questions in this section with a few of these
people. Use your head as well as your heart in
making a decision. You may be madly in love with
a certain man, but you should ask yourself
whether it is wise to continue the relationship.
Why?
* Why did you begin an affair? Were you
bored? Abused? Disgusted? Alone? Was your sex
life unfulfilled? Did you want excitement? Did
you need financial support?
* Did you fall in love unintentionally?
* What does your lover supply that no one
else does?
* What is especially attractive about your
lover?
If He Is Married
* Are you comfortable with never being seen
with this married man in public, never calling
him at home, having to be available to him
whenever he wants?
* Why did he tell you he loves you?
* What has he told you about his wife? Do you
believe him? Should you?
* If you are single, have you taken yourself
out of circulation to be involved with a married
man? Who might you be missing?
* Do you really believe this man will someday
marry you?
* Have you ever thought that a man who cheats
on his wife will probably someday cheat on you?
How do you feel about that?
If You Are in an Uncommitted Relationship
* Have either you or your lover made no
commitments to each other? Are you comfortable
with this?
* Is your lover involved with other women? Do
you know for sure?
* Can you accept your lover's probable sexual
involvement with others?
* Can you handle the probable end of your
relationship(s) at some future time?
* Should you end your relationship(s) now?
Keep one or both?
* Do you want to parent your baby in this
uncommitted situation?
* Do you want to risk disease from a man who
may be bed hopping? How can you protect your
health if you continue sexual activity with this
lover?
* Is your baby's father going to marry you or
make a commitment to you? When?
* If he is married or committed to someone
else, is he going to divorce his wife or sever
his other relationship? When? Will he set a date
and keep it?
* Do you want to continue your relationship
with this man, with you always being the other
woman?
If You Have Two Lovers
* Which man, of your two lovers, do you
really "love"? Which one loves you? How can you
tell?
* Which man is legally, emotionally, and
financially ready to support you? To support
your plans for your baby? Will one or both men
pressure you to abort?
* Should you end one relationship and
maintain the other? Should you end both
relationships?
* What are the advantages of each decision?
The disadvantages?
* How will both lovers react to you and to
your baby?
* If you end a relationship, could a lover
endanger you?
* Do you have to maintain a certain
relationship? Why? If you wish to break free of
this relationship, what help do you need?
* Do you need legal counsel? Police
protection? A restraining order against one
lover so that he faces arrest if he harasses or
threatens to harm you?
Complications
* What complications of your affair, besides
pregnancy, are you facing? Guilt? Deception?
Fear of discovery? Organizational difficulties
in maintaining two relationships? Mistrust?
Other unpleasant consequences?
* Do you want to preserve two relationships?
Should you?
* Must you keep each man ignorant of the
other? Of the pregnancy? How can you do this and
still give birth?
* Will information in Chapter Two, on keeping
your pregnancy a secret, help you?
* Is there any way one man will know for
certain that your baby could never be his? Do
you want to continue your relationship with this
man?
* Can you anticipate this man's reaction to
your affair? To your pregnancy? To you? To your
baby?
* Will family counseling help you both?
* Do you need to keep this pregnancy hidden?
* Will you need to live elsewhere for a
while?
* Do you want to parent this child?
* Must you make an adoption plan?
* What other arrangements can you make?
Revealing Your Affair
* Is your affair over, really over?
* Does anyone know about your affair? Suspect
it? Who? Will they tell? Can they prove you've
had an affair? Would it be your word against
theirs? Who would people believe?
* Can you counteract gossip? Will gossip
force you to admit your affair?
* Does your original lover suspect your
affair? Will he, ever?
* Is there a possibility, even a small one,
that the baby could be his? If so, should you
reveal your affair?
* What good will come to you if you admit
that you've had an affair? Will you release fear
or guilt? What good will your admission do for
your lover?
* Will admitting your affair strengthen your
relationship? How?
* If a man suspects the child is not his, how
will he feel toward the child? Toward you?
Himself? Your relationship?
* What good will come to your family if you
tell of your affair?
* Are you afraid to reveal your affair? What
reaction can you expect if you do?
* Can you regain your lover's trust if you
admit to having an affair?
* Is it better to confide in a member of the
clergy or counselor and not to your lover?
* Do you want to continue your relationship
with your baby's father? Does he know about your
original lover? Should you tell him if he
doesn't know?
Deciding What to Do About an Affair
Decide what to do about an affair before
making any plans for your baby. Your plans for
the baby might change if your relationships
change. So work on the relationships first.
Discussing your answers to these questions
with someone else may help you see your affair
in a clearer light. Perhaps you will decide to
end one relationship or both. Do what will bring
the best results in the long run, even though it
may cause some temporary pain.
EVALUATING INDIVIDUAL OR GROUP PRESSURE
An individual or group may exercise control
over your decisions and behaviors. You may never
have thought of evaluating the influence others
have on you. Now you may be told what to do
about your pregnancy or your baby. Before
blindly following the advice of others,
evaluate your situation.
Choose the section or sections below that
apply to your situation. Discuss your answers to
these questions with someone who is not also
influenced by the group or individual. This
person might be a counselor, confidant, or
member of the clergy. Your answers to these
questions may help you determine the degree of
pressure a person or group is exerting on you
and what you should do about it.
Questions to Ask if Someone is Predicting
Your Future
* Is this person giving me concrete, specific
advice or general information?
* How many of the "predictions" are based on
information I have already revealed?
* Is this person well versed in human
behavior?
* Can this person predict what I will
probably think and do by carefully observing me
and by asking leading questions? Is this really
foreseeing the future or is it predicting how I
would probably act? Is it predicting the types
of situations that someone like me is likely to
encounter?
* Has this person always been accurate in
directing me? Has some advice gone wrong?
* If something has not turned out as
predicted, did this individual have a "reason"
for what happened? Could this reason have been
made up after the prediction failed?
* Is the future, as told to me, so vague or
given in such symbolic terms that almost
anything that happens can be said to have
happened as was predicted?
* Does this person hold a position of
decision-making in the community, such as a
council member, judge, or board member, in which
power to foresee the future would be invaluable?
If not, why not?
Questions to Ask if You Feel "Bound" to an
Individual
* Do I owe this person money? How much? Have
I paid this person in the past? How much? What
services am I paying for?
* Am I in "financial bondage" to this person?
* Do I need this person to supply me with the
lifestyle I am used to having?
* What was my life like before I met this
person?
* Has this person helped me to become more
independent? How?
* Have I leaned on this person as an
emotional crutch for decision making?
* Do I feel in control or do I feel
controlled?
* Do I need confidence in making my own
decisions? Is this person inspiring such
confidence or not?
* Is it time to break away from this person?
Questions to Ask if You Feel "Bound" to a
Group
* What do I like about this group? Why am I a
part of this group? What's in it for me?
* Do I have any addictions that the group
fosters? Do I want to give them up? Why or why
not?
* Does this group manipulate, humiliate, or
degrade me? How do I feel about this? How do I
feel about myself? Why?
* What pressures does this group put on me?
* Does the group control its members? How?
* Do group members have to conform?
* Am I afraid of this group?
* Have I seen this group harm others?
* Does this group discourage professional
medical care? Why? Is this safe for me? For my
baby?
* Does this group encourage abortion, child
abuse, or severe discipline of children?
* Am I in emotional, financial, or physical
bondage to this group?
* Have I been brainwashed?
* Do I have the freedom to leave the group or
is someone always with me?
* How does this group treat children born to
group members?
* Does someone have plans for my child? What
are they? Do I believe that they will carry
these out? * Do I know my child's father? Am I
afraid of him? Is he a group member? How does
this affect me?
* Am I pregnant willingly or have I been
raped?
* Am I comfortable with everything that goes
on in this group? What bothers me?
* Would this group accept my pregnancy? My
child? Why or why not?
* Can I leave this group freely? What will
happen if I try to go?
Taking Control Yourself
If your answers to these questions alarm you,
you may consider leaving the controlling group
or individual. Remember, no one person or group
should control your life or your baby's. You
have free will. You can make choices and so can
your baby, in time. Call the police, a women's
resource center, counseling centers, a member of
the clergy, or PREGNANCY AIDgencies if you need
help. Appendix H lists additional agencies to
consult.